The Disagreeable Man

If you give me your attention,

I will tell you what I am:

I'm a genuine philanthropist - all other kinds are sham.

Each little fault of temper and each social

In my erring fellow-creatures,

I endeavour to correct.

To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes,

And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise;

I love my fellow-creatures - I do all the good I can -Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!

And I can't think why!

To compliments inflated I've a withering reply,

And vanity I always do my best to mortify;

A charitable action I can skilfully dissect;

And interested motives I'm delighted to detect.

I know everybody's income and what everybody earns,

And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns;

But to benefit humanity, however much I plan,

Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!

And I can't think why!

I'm sure I'm no ascetic;

I'm as pleasant as can be;

You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee;

I've an irritating chuckle,

I've a celebrated sneer,

I've an entertaining snigger,

I've a fascinating leer;

To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two;

I can tell a woman's age in half a minute - and I do -But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,

Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!

And I can't think why!