stuck in the "what if"-universe.

      Took so long to move on from that one person. Fell into a routine, found comfort, settled, messed up a little, and then left and it was all done. Now, for the "years" of the moving-on phase (not counting the time still coming). Never knew how much it was messed up until I realized how much it took energy from me. Our story's ending is a deep deception, it's not supposed to be this sad according to movies. It was really beautiful and refreshing for my own good, but I somehow managed to make a mistake through it and it was bad. I was young and you were young and we made stupid mistakes, I managed to forgive us through the months, but what I couldn't manage to get rid of are the “what ifs”. They say what happened is already done, they say what happened is in the past move on, they say you were dumb and young and this is your first lesson, it will be better they said. When I remember you, I don't remember good nor bad, it's just trauma and pain if I think deep about it and how I just didn't try to fix it, maybe guilt, shame, and remorse, hopelessness, whatever it is I just don't feel like having it back. I don't want you back, I do miss you but I actually can't let you back in. You're connected to a lot of bad memories as much as I just want to move on but I can't. the thing is I’m trying to move on from my own thoughts, not from reality. Fortunately, the reality has been long gone I don't even know who or what you are now, but because of the lack of closure, I just managed to fall into what we would’ve managed to do in other lifetimes and how we could’ve met. In one I imagine meeting you at a friend’s place. Maybe then I would've been more open and maybe I wasn't too dumb to fall into our game of pretend. In another, I imagine meeting you at a dance party may be, enjoy the same confidence and strength you radiated in this lifetime, but maybe then I find a way to talk to you and show you my pros instead of being all nervous and how I used to always melt by your side. On the other, I imagine meeting you after I finished college and followed my dreams and maybe find you interested in my passions. In another, I imagine waking up to seeing you just right there all happy and not regretting the day you met me. One where I sing to you every love song and write every poem about you and the lust shared. In another, I imagine meeting you at a fancy place, maybe you could’ve been my neighbor, maybe my best friend, (actual best friend not that thing we did to prove to ourselves we didn't like each other), at least wake up to see you and hear your voice, maybe have your scent paint the thick air in my room, maybe a lifetime where we confess and pull the last words out and live the happiness we're looking for and maybe even better. All those put me in a mindset of how good life would’ve been if I just made my purpose clear of wanting you in my life, instead of making jokes about wanting you to leave it until you eventually did. If I just started with taking you out, instead of acting like I didn’t see you enter the room. I will meet those people and fall in love in one of those situations. But I only could dress you into all those characters since I never experienced this much grace and love from a person. Who knows when or if I will ever fall in love anyway? Probably, the thing between us was truly only a lesson and maybe a game of boredom, or maybe it was love, I could never tell to be honest with you, the pain you put me through painted all the memories with perspectives of what we could have been… call me weak, but until now I still haven’t truly felt the separation and I know it’s just desperation because I never felt such a thrill with anyone else, but wow you don’t even know or have an idea about how much you messed with my head, but you really don’t know me, I could tell you that but sometimes I just wish I stayed a moment longer to let you know me. To let you know that the part of me that loved you didn’t change much nor did my attachment… and now I sound like a psycho but you get the point…I’m hoping. For now, I know you're gone but in my shifted reality I still feel that you're here all along those years, I don't know if you'll ever leave or if something/someone will fill those gaps you left in me empty and hollow. I hope I get a closure I never got from you. I miss you, but I want to let you go. Maybe until that other lifetime, in the universe of the "what if." Until we meet again in a beautiful world, where no one is so cruel forcing us to end it when it didn’t even start. Where we aren't so messed up, trying to force love that wasn't even found within us to share with others.