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The Two Majors

An excellent soldier who's worthy the

Loves officers dashing and strict:

When good, he's content with escaping all blame,

When naughty, he likes to be licked.

He likes for a fault to be bullied and stormed,

Or imprisoned for several days,

And hates, for a duty correctly performed,

To be slavered with sickening praise.

No officer sickened with praises his

So little as

OR LA

RE -No officer swore at his warriors

Than

OR

DI

RE.

Their soldiers adored them, and every

Delighted to hear their abuse;

Though whenever these officers came on

They shivered and shook in their shoes.

For, oh! if LA

RE could all praises withhold,

Why, so could

DI

RE,

And, oh! if

DI could bluster and scold,

Why, so could the mighty LA

RE."No doubt we deserve it - no mercy we crave -Go on - you're conferring a boon;

We would rather be slanged by a warrior brave,

Than praised by a wretched

DI would say that in battle's fierce

True happiness only was met:

Poor

OR

DI, though fifty his age,

Had never known happiness yet!

LA

RE would declare, "With the blood of a

No tipple is worthy to clink."Poor fellow! he hadn't, though sixty or so,

Yet tasted his favourite drink!

They agreed at their mess - they agreed in the glass -They agreed in the choice of their "set,"And they also agreed in adoring, alas!

The Vivandiere, pretty

TE.

Agreement, you see, may be carried too far,

And after agreeing all

For years - in this soldierly "maid of the bar,"A bone of contention they found!

It may seem improper to call such a pet -By a metaphor, even - a bone;

But though they agreed in adoring her,

Each wanted to make her his own."On the day that you marry her," muttered

RE(With a pistol he quietly played),"I'll scatter the brains in your noddle,

I swear,

All over the stony parade!""I cannot do

AT to you," answered LA

RE,"Whatever events may befall;

But this I

AN do - IF

OU wed her,

ON

ER!

I'll eat you, moustachios and all!"The rivals, although they would never engage,

Yet quarrelled whenever they met;

They met in a fury and left in a rage,

But neither took pretty

TE."I am not afraid," thought

DI

RE:"For country I'm ready to fall;

But nobody wants, for a mere Vivandiere,

To be eaten, moustachios and all!"Besides, though LA

RE has his faults,

I'll

He's one of the  bravest of men:

My goodness! if I disagree with him now,

I might disagree with him then.""No coward am I," said LA

RE, "as you guess -I sneer at an enemy's blade;

But I don't want

RE to get into a

For splashing the stony parade!"One day on parade to

RE and LA

Came

AL

OT

TE,

And trembling all over, he prayed of them

To give him the pretty

TE."You see,

I am willing to marry my

Until you've arranged this affair;

I will blow out my brains when your honours

Which marries the sweet Vivandiere!""Well, take her,' said both of them in a duet(A favourite form of reply),"But when I am ready to marry

TE.

Remember you've promised to die!"He married her then: from the flowery

Of existence the roses they cull:

He lived and he died with his wife; and his

Are reposing in peace in his skull.

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William Schwenck Gilbert

Sir William Schwenck Gilbert (18 November 1836 – 29 May 1911) was an English dramatist, librettist, poet and illustrator best known for his coll…

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